I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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