I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
