I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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