While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The air was thick with penises
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
