so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
