I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
