THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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