I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
