the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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