Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
