Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
