While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
