Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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