i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
