sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
