i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
