Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
