Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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