dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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