Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
