I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
