Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
