After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
