I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
