I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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