I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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