Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
