I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
