the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize