dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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