What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
