Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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