My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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