she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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