I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
