On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
