I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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