The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
