R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
