mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
