Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
