Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
