my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
