i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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