The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
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I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
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She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say