Who did Billy Mays play for?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.