2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
