There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.