Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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