If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
