Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
