Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
