At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
