This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
