You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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