Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
