If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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