I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
