Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
