Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
