Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
