my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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