Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
